Power

According to The Ally Co., power is colloquially defined as “the ability to affect or prevent change”. When we look at relationships in our everyday lives we do not look at the ever present power dynamics (large or small), whether between a doctor and patient, or when a person’s  had access to higher education. There are a lot of forms of power and power dynamics that we don’t recognize in our everyday lives, however they shape every relationship we’re in. 

Power dynamics are existent and complex and we need to build relationships with this in mind. One study by Robert Körner, in which 181 heterosexual couples were interviewed, found that the key factor to relationship satisfaction for people wasn’t their positional or status power, rather it was the perceived personal level of power they felt in the relationship.

How can people share power? How can we empower people when we have a form of power and how can we better relationships across a power dynamic?

In partnership with the Samuel Center for Social Connectedness, the Relationships Project conducted a research project led by me, this past summer. My project consisted of interviews with service providers in healthcare, education and local government to find out how people can build better relationships where uneven power dynamics are present. 

I need to begin by sharing the goal of what a good relationship looks like. According to the Relationships Project, good relationships are unique, organic, unscripted, trusting, reciprocal, reliable and fair.  Good relationships at work as a service provider and in all industries will also have some of these characteristics, along with boundaries within a person’s work role. 

After speaking with many public service providers, here are some suggestions for building relationships across power I’d like to pass along.

Defining your role

It is essential to communicate your role and boundaries (i.e. what a practitioner can and can’t do) at the beginning of the relationship with the person you’re supporting, and to keep coming back to this. 

One practitioner, a former teacher, described that they would set up initial home visits at the beginning of school terms with families of students, to go over “commitments” (a contract of role expectations) explaining how the teachers would support students. Teachers would later need to keep this “commitments” document on file to refer back to throughout the year to make sure everyone understood the teachers’ role. 

Once you’ve set out these clear guidelines, and you are both comfortable and confident in them, you can be creative in questioning the imaginary rules within your organization.

As an example of being creative and going beyond your role within the organization, a  teacher mentioned making a deal with a student in which she agreed to watch Game of Thrones if he studied for his language exams. He ended up studying and taking his exam and she watched Game of Thrones. Though this may not have been a hard sacrifice, she was creative and personal in her approach to supporting her students. 

It is important to note that there is a fine balance between being expansive within organizational conditions and keeping to your personal boundaries to protect your wellbeing. It is also important to note that many organizations and environments are not supportive of this flexibility and expansion and this is an external limit to relationship building.

Tips:

Practitioners suggested:

• Send follow-up emails after meetings or talks, clarify what goals were spoken of and the tasks to be carried out. Follow-up when these are completed. The email can be used as a reference to set boundaries.
• If an initial “agreements and commitments” document was made with a service user, utilize it as a working document to refer back to and edit if necessary.

What “commitments” could you make to the people you’re working with or supporting? What are limits and things you cannot commit to within your role?

Bridging communication gaps

Bridging communication gaps means taking initiative to make sure that service users and clients are understanding the goals, plans and support work you are providing. 

For example, a teacher expressed that she had an experience where she needed to get 20 boys in a school to line up to get to their classrooms. She observed that a teacher across from her was screaming at their students to get them to line up. Although the other teacher was getting the job done, this teacher decided to take time to explain why it’s important for the boys to line up and how it would help their class. 

Her initiative to explain “the why” and to provide more information to students improved her relationship with them. This is one form of bridging the communication gap. 

Practitioners also mentioned taking time to clarify communication and misunderstandings, along with using accessible language that isn’t too complex or that may not be understood by everyone you’re working with.

This is a two-way street, as clients and service users will also need to share what their needs and perspectives are. Ultimately both people need to work together to adapt their communication styles to meet each other where they’re at. However, where power dynamics are present, practitioners may need to take the lead on encouraging this and making it a safe space to do so. 

Tips:

Feedback loop communication is a great way to clarify miscommunication; it’s a technique ensuring both people in the conversation understand what’s being communicated. One person delivers the message, while the other person responds by paraphrasing and asking questions. Next, the first person can provide additional information and ask questions, extending the conversation until mutual understanding is achieved.

What are some ways that you may be making communication harder for people you’re working with or supporting? What are some ways to bridge this gap?

Relationship repair

Relationship repair refers to the process of rebuilding trust and faith in a relationship. This could be after a mistake is made by a practitioner, or result from unhealed wounds and prior distrust created  by a practitioner or system before you. 

For example, one practitioner working with a Health Trust spoke about understanding that patients and health providers had previous poor experiences with the Health Trust. They felt they were never heard and often dismissed. The practitioner was aware that she needed to build trust slowly.

One way she did this was by listening to healthcare workers and ensuring they felt comfortable with the actions and ways in which the health trust would support them. Other ways could include addressing the past experiences or holding space for the service user to talk about these experiences and what they might need to feel safer or have a better experience. 

Another key aspect of repair is apologizing when you make a mistake or hurt someone. This is particularly important for relationships across power dynamics. One teacher mentioned that she needed to apologize for yelling at a student in a moment of frustration. She was aware at this moment that she was frustrated in the role at school and this was pouring into her relationships. 

Is there distrust within your organization because of previous tensions between roles? What are some ways to hold space for conversations around these tensions?

Giving people choice wherever possible

When working within a position of power, a huge piece of sharing your power or empowering people is giving your client or service user as much choice and autonomy about their own pathway as possible while you’re working together. 

This involves active listening and understanding what the client wants and needs and not making assumptions. It also includes intentionally making space for collaboration in your process of working with someone. 

For example, an interviewee working in local government was supporting a citizen with reintroduction into the community after massive health issues. He mentioned that one of the first things they needed to be attentive to is asking the person what they needed and really listening to them express their specific needs before making any assumptions about how they could help her, as well as allowing her to guide her own process of reintroduction into the community.

What are some ways you can implement your role choices for the people you are working with?

Conscious awareness and use of power

Lastly, a huge piece of building relationships across power is having a conscious awareness of the power you hold. 

Practitioners supporting someone need to be conscious of the power they hold, and need to interrogate how their actions and behaviors might impact a client or service user.

A few practitioners spoke about the need for training and education on power dynamics within workspaces. A practitioner who conducts training with local law enforcement and who works with domestic violence survivors facilitated an activity to increase awareness of power dynamics. They would ask all participants in the workshop to think of their most embarrassing moment. After a few minutes of thought and reflection, they would go around the room and ask one person to share this with the group. They would later prevent the person from sharing, but explained that this is often the experience of  domestic violence survivors interacting with law enforcement asking them vulnerable questions and not being treated with kindness and understanding. This exercise aimed to get professionals to understand and empathize with the power dynamic that is present when working with domestic violence survivors. 

What power dynamics may be present with the people you work with? Is there anything that makes it hard for them to say no or disagree with you? 

Organizational support

I do also want to note that It is difficult for individuals to take on these intentional efforts without support from organizations. Without organizational support it’s unsustainable for practitioners to make these changes. 

Practitioners we spoke to mentioned a few organizational shifts and changes that they felt would be supportive of building these relationships including more collective leadership where there is a move away from top down leadership. It’s more supportive to have people in field and direct supervisors making more decisions and having more autonomy. 

Another factor that would support relationship building across power includes more internal collaboration between departments and units, having people meeting each other and working together. Often it’s hard to build relationships when working in an organization that is divisive and not collaborative. 

With these organizational shifts and personal shifts, there is potential to make a great impact in people’s lives. Building relationships and relationships across power is a lot of intentional work for individuals and organizations, but the impact is boundless. 

If I had teachers or adults in my life aware of the power that they held when limiting my gender expression, I believe they would have been more careful and made more effort to hear my voice and wishes. This would have given me access to so much life at a much earlier age. I am now more able to use my voice and advocate for myself, however many people affected by power dynamics aren’t able to do so. 

Power exists in so many ways you may not be aware of. It affects your relationships in ways you may not have thought about and it’s an intentionally loving act to bring power into your field of view. 

What does this mean for you? What power dynamics exist within some of your relationships? Where do you hold power in your relationships? How will you share it? 

Relationships Case Maker

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