Key Concepts | What we mean by good relationships

We often use the word ‘relationship’ to mean different things – from the relationship we might have with our bank to the relationship we might have with a family member.

To draw out what we mean by deep relationships, we find it useful to draw comparisons with transactional relationship. We think there are three important distinctions to be made:

First, there is the difference between a relationship and a transaction. One is not intrinsically preferable to the other. It all depends on the context. For example, I have a deep relationship with my sister. My association with the rail company from whom I bought a ticket is purely transactional.

Second, there is nothing inevitably bad about a transactional relationship. If the ticket is supplied promptly and fairly it was a reciprocal exchange and a good transaction.

Third, deep relationships aren’t always good. They can be abusive, controlling or extractive. Just as there are good and bad transactions, there are also good and bad relationships.

This leads us to suggest some defining, and some common, characteristics for good relationships and good transactions:

A good relationship is unique, organic and unscripted. It’s empathetic and it develops over time as value is created and carried forward from one interaction to the next. A good relationship may be an end in itself, not defined by task

A good transaction follows a standard course and it is efficient. It is likely to be focused on a specific task, and be time limited and with a clear and explicit purpose

Deep relationships and transactional relationships are both trusting, reciprocal, reliable and fair.

Being clear on where a good transaction will suffice and where we need to invest in building deep relationships is important. And as a general rule of thumb, more complex situations and challenges tend to require deep relationships, whereas for more simple and straightforward situations a good transaction can often suffice.

Reflection exercise

What are the good transactions in your community or organisation? Why is it not necessary to go up the relational scale?

Where do you feel a transactional relationship needs to move up the relational scale?