Introduction

1. Before the conversation

2. During the conversation

3. After the conversation

Next steps for this Pattern

Back in 2024, we laid out our plans to develop a Pattern Library for relationship-centred practice. The aim of the Library is to support relationship-centred practitioners to learn from one another’s hard-earned wisdom so they can better navigate common questions and challenges that arise when working relationally, offering confidence, solidarity, inspiration and helpful prompts and practical suggestions.

We came into this process holding a number of questions, questions like: can you really feel supported to navigate relational challenges by reading a static webpage? Is it possible to weave the advice of multiple relational practitioners into a single pattern in a way that offers both nuance and clarity?

As we publish this first pattern, we’re still holding these questions and more. So we’d love to hear any thoughts or feedback you have. Please get in touch: hello@relationshipsproject.org

What do we mean by ‘relational’? We’ve set out what we see as relational behaviours and characteristics here.

Eddy, Neelam and Gabriel all shared a huge amount of practical wisdom on how to have difficult conversations in relational ways. Doing justice to this wisdom was a challenge we’ve done our best to meet. Through this Pattern, we share practical advice on steps you can take, and techniques you can try, before, during, and after difficult conversations to approach them in a more relational way. The advice we offer falls into a pattern of: 

These modes of attention will not always come in that strict order. Because, as Eddy put it, asking how to best have a difficult conversation in a relational way is like asking, “What’s the best move in chess? It all depends on the context.” 

So not all of the approaches included below will feel suitable for your situation, but we hope within it you will find reflective prompts and tools and techniques that will support you through your conversations. 

Let us know how you get on – we’d love to hear from you and use your feedback to improve this first iteration. 

Note: This Pattern is not designed for safeguarding concerns, if you are concerned that a child or adult is being abused, follow this guidance. If someone is in immediate danger, contact emergency services.

As a first step in your preparation for the conversation:

Notice: how you’re feeling

✘ Don’t tell yourself your worries about the conversation are silly, or push thoughts away.
✔ Do give yourself this permission and time to give your feelings the attention they deserve. You will increase the likelihood of the conversation going well. 

Here’s a list of needs that we often experience, and tips on how to notice whether these needs are being met in ourselves and in others around us. 

There can be lots of emotions connected to a difficult conversation. Gabriel recommends exploring your window of tolerance. When our stress levels go beyond that window, it’s very difficult to listen to the other person. Work can be done pre, post and during difficult conversations to reduce the likelihood that we exceed our windows. 

Consider, also, the emotions of the other person: 

Notice: why the conversation feels difficult 

Many factors can make a conversation feel uncomfortable, scary, or challenging. Before having the conversation, reflect on what is making it feel that way. 

We’ve pulled together a list of some of things that can make conversations feel difficult. Is anything on the list applicable to your situation? Or something not on the list that’s making this conversation feel difficult to have? 

Once you’ve done this reflection, have a go at reframing the difficulties you’re experiencing to take away some of the emotional charge. 

For example, you might shift your mindset from thinking: 

“This person is so difficult. I really don’t want to have to deal with them.”

To:

“I wonder what’s going on in this person’s life right now?”

Take a look at some of the other reframing that Neelam, Gabriel and Eddy have applied in the past. Do they spark any ideas you can use in the context you’re working in?

Before the conversation

Often, conversations feel difficult because something we care about is at stake. Getting to the root of this requires us to examine our unmet needs. 

Our individual basic human needs are always working away behind the scenes, driving our attitudes and shaping our actions and reactions. Consciously or not, we open up and move toward people, situations and ideas that meet our needs, and close down and move away from people, situations and ideas that don’t. When disagreeing about this or that situation, this or that viewpoint, hidden beneath the surface you’ll find one or more basic human needs – e.g. for respect, security, coherence – that is or isn’t being met. When our needs aren’t being met, unconsciously or consciously, we will be so busy thinking about our need for safety, we won’t be able to focus on finding a shared goal, and finding a productive way through a conversation becomes difficult. 

Taking the time to reflect on needs can create insight around shared needs, which opens up relationships and creates fresh possibilities. 

What are your needs? 

Here’s a list of universal basic needs. Take a look over them and acknowledge your needs going into the conversation. What are you seeking? It might be clarity, inclusion, help or boundaries. What needs are driving you? What sort of people and ideas are you more, or less, open to? How do your needs and emotions interact? An enhanced awareness of this interaction can give you more control over how you respond. 

What are their needs?

Once you’ve had a think about your own needs going into the conversation, consider the needs of the other person. How might the other person’s needs be similar or different to yours? The variance might arise from culture, age, life experience, communication style or sense of humour. How might you seek to meet their needs during the conversation?

The me, you, us framework can be a helpful tool to help you think through what might be going on for the other person, the power dynamic, how previous experiences might impact on the conversation, how you can ensure they have agency and dignity as you interact, and potential shared needs. 

But remember, even if you go through the framework, you don’t know for certain what they’re bringing with them to the conversation. It’s your viewpoint of their situation. Where possible, always enter the conversation with curiosity – who are you and what do you need? – rather than solutions and certainty of the outcome.

Before the conversation

Agree the terms of the conversation together 

It’s often the case that one person takes the lead in shaping the terms of a conversation or meeting, but doing this collaboratively helps to lay a more equitable footing.

Where possible, agree together where you’ll meet and when, how you agree to treat one another, and what you’ll speak about. If you’re in a position of power relative to the other person (e.g. because you’re their manager or case worker) try to encourage them to lead on these decisions so they feel a greater sense of agency going into the conversation. This can help prevent the other person from digging in or pushing back in order to feel some control – heading off a power struggle before it begins.

Inspiration to move forward with

“For the good of everyone” – Neelam

 Note: part of the above video has been blurred to protect the privacy of a young person.  

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At the outset of the conversation, you might check in with the question, ‘Is this a good time?’ Eddy says, “Putting this simple question upfront in a conversation conveys respect and ensures the conditions are right for a productive exchange – even if it has to take place later.”  

Consider other ways you could create a safe space in your context. 

• Sometimes saying something as simple as “I respect you,” “I promise I won’t get angry,” or “I care about you,” (depending on the context) can have a powerful effect.  
• Spend time upfront: Listen to Gabriel’s story
• Sometimes, a shared activity can take away some of the anxiety and fear around the conversation. Listen to Gabriel talk about how this can work 

As you engage in the conversation, try to:

Understand first, clarify, summarise. 

Try not to enter into a battle where you try to change people’s minds or ‘dump’ information on them. Instead, Eddy suggests seeking to understand the other person and their needs as your first-order goal, using the focus, clarify, summarise technique. This is, in essence, paying attention to what the other person’s saying, sharing what you’ve understood, and giving people a chance to correct you. Then you can both know what you’ve understood – or haven’t. You can read more about this on pages 16-18 of the Community Bridgebuilders handbook. 

Throughout the conversation, try to stay curious about what matters to the other person.  

Seek to increase your understanding of what is important to them by asking questions such as, ‘Can you tell me about some of your experiences that have led you to think about this in this way?’

If strong emotions come to the surface, understand that unmet needs are often behind them.  

Identify shared needs

In the Bridge Builders handbook, we talk about committing to the search for legitimate goals – things we both want that do not harm the other. Try using and/both questions – or questions that seek to find solutions that work for both people in a conversation. By thinking together, putting everyone’s views out there, and looking at them from a needs point of view, win-win solutions become visible. So if we were talking about the safety of a park, instead of asking, ‘How can we keep that group out so the park is safer for my children?’, we could ask, ‘How can we make the park safer for all our children, and accessible to other members of our community?’ 

And respect non-shared needs 

As well as identifying shared needs, what can we do to identify, acknowledge and respect non-shared needs? What’s important to the other party, but not you? Maybe you don’t have any caring responsibilities and the person you’re having the conversation with is a carer for their wife who has advanced dementia. Maybe the other person’s phone goes off during your conversation, and they look at a message and have to hurry away, leaving your scheduled time together early. If you haven’t identified their need to care for their wife, you might take the fact they have their phone on and that they’re leaving early as a sign of rudeness and a lack of commitment. But if you have an awareness of your non-shared needs, acknowledge their situation and show you understand their need to leave, it may well strengthen your relationship and increase the likelihood of the next conversation going well.

During the conversation

Invite human connection

By sharing who we are as a person, we can develop a more genuine relationship with the other person. Trust builds through openness. You might begin the conversation by asking the other person how they are, and modelling a response that goes beyond a surface-level ‘I’m fine’. For example, you might share that you’re feeling tired because your baby hasn’t been sleeping well, or you’re feeling excited about an upcoming celebration. 

Following up on details the other person might have shared with you previously is a great way of showing you care and deepening the relationship: ‘Last time we met, you mentioned you were going to a gig. How was it?’

But how can we authentically be ourselves, show vulnerability, personality, openness, and find a point of human connection, while maintaining boundaries? How can we decide how much to share? The 3Ps framework is a useful tool to help us work through these questions. 

Invite collaboration and shared learning 

If you find you are disagreeing a lot during the conversation, don’t worry! Channeled in the right direction, disagreement can create the energy for positive change. You might talk through: What connects us with each other? What are the values that we both share? What are the needs we’re both trying to meet?  

Try to maintain an open mind (“don’t assume you know everything”) and the humility to unlearn (that could be losing old habits or discarding old assumptions). Helping ourselves and others to interrogate and challenge beliefs and habits can be a delicate task, but when the time feels right, there are gentle and supportive ways to encourage this process. Ask questions that invite curiosity such as, “Have you ever thought about why you believe that?” or, “What might happen if we approached this differently?” Make sure the questions you ask don’t question the other person’s value as a human being.

Don’t fall for the ‘fundamental fallacy’ of difficult conversations, Eddy shares.

During the conversation

Notice and name challenges

Some people find it useful to acknowledge the challenging nature of the conversation. For example: “I’m not sure how this conversation is going to go because I’m aware we have differences when it comes to…’. You can pair this acknowledgement with a demonstration of your positive intent: ‘My aim is for things to feel better, not worse, for both of us, at the end of the conversation.’ You can return to both this positive intent if you feel, at any point, things aren’t going well. 

Notice the traps that lead you away from a focus on needs, which can harm our relationships and prevent us from harnessing the potential of disagreement. In his book Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Life, Marshall B. Rosenberg describes these common traps that he calls enemy thinking: 

• Judgement: drawing conclusions about who or what is good/bad/right/wrong
• Labels: any thought that starts ‘I am’, ‘you are’, ‘they are’ (followed by a label) 
• Blame: trying to find out whose fault it is
• No choice: thinking there is no choice (‘I can’t, ‘I have to’, ‘I must’) 
• Demand: Forcing a decision. Using open or hidden threats to get your way. 

Notice when the conversation needs to slow down, pause or reset.

Sometimes, even with the best intentions and careful set-up, difficult conversations don’t go the way you hoped they would. Try to be gentle with yourself and know that you’re not alone.

And remember, as Eddy puts it, “Difficult conversations can lead to fantastic conversations, whether or not they lead to agreement.”

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After the conversation

Reflecting on the conversation: 

What went well? What didn’t? Were there misunderstandings? What can you learn from it for next time? Is any relational repair needed? Remember, repair is always possible, and this process often makes a relationship stronger than ever.

Notice too:

• How you’re feeling and acknowledge those emotions without judgment 
• Any shifts in the relationship or mutual understanding
• If anything feels unresolved, uncomfortable or unclear 

After the conversation

After the conversation, it’s important to take care of yourself, and to ensure your needs are met. Here are some things that might help:

After the conversation

• A follow-up if necessary: Conversations aren’t always wrapped up in a single encounter; you might need a series, or written clarification. Do you need to follow up? Apologise? Clarify something? Express gratitude? 
• Ask for support if you need it – from your supervisors or peers. 
• Be kind to yourself: Difficult conversations are part of life and growth. Give yourself grace, and acknowledge the effort you’ve made.

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